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Testimonials

Testimonials are stories of the enlightened and how The Religion of Wheel has changed peoples lives. If your life or someone who know had their life changed by the wonders of The Religion of Wheel, then send your story, testimonial, etc. to wheel182@hotmail.com or Sarcastabitch@sacbeemail.com and it will be promptly posted. Please tell The Religion of Wheel how it changed your life so we can help to save more lives from being wasted by those other religions who rival cults. We all know what these religions are, those that help their congregation to piss their life away when they could be pissing away a couple of knocked back beers. Until all on this blessed Earth have heard The Religion of Wheel testimonials will be needed.

Testimonials:

SO, wow. Before the good man Wheeler awakened me to the truth, I was lost. MAN, I WAS LOST!!! I hadn't a prayer in the world of getting chicks, or beer or anything.
Now, all that's different! The VERY night Wheel told me about all the wonderful things I had missed, Foamy came to me.
After giving me a thorough dressing down for my past idiocy, he said, "But all that is over. From this moment on, we will be one!"
He then produced a mug, and poured me a cold draught from the very top of his head. And, when I looked, the level of beer
in him had not gone down at all!!! I have since lived in a dream-like world of beer-buzz and women... If this is now, I
can hardly contain myself thinking about what the afterlife will be like!!!

Hawkeye2

lois_must_die_now@hotmail.com

How I was saved by the Religion of the Wheel

    Once there came a day when I was wandering in this wretched blackness. The dark, scalding sand of discontentment thrashed beneath my weary, blistered feet. I fell, my parched lips cracked and bleeding. My tongue waggled in the acidy mildew, but there was no hydration for me to obtain. The wedding bell tolled its lonely death chime in the distance. The sale at K-mart withered and expired.

    All at once, in an eruption of flame and Sulpher, the Earth was rent before me. A mighty crack heaved the surface of the world and expanded into my face like the squatting trouser of a constipated celestial tyrant. I stood transfixed, rivulets of blood slipping reluctantly from my unlubricated tear-ducts.

    A fiery blue demon with a face like a pine cone stepped forward from the newly hewn stairway to oblivion.

    "What be ye’s concern, fierce child of man?" he bellowed in a voice of a thousand heavily distorted guitar chords.

    "Alas," I responded, "my celestial soul has gone too long bereft of the bounties of guidance."

    "Ah ha!" he laughed, "easily mended."

    With that, he slipped a plastic fork with the McDonald’s logo on the handle from a sheath at his belt and used it to gut himself. Steaming organs spilled out at my feet. Together we gathered up the most appropriate lengths of intestine and used them to play jump-rope. We ate Doritos. I laughed and giggled like a child at play. The ten-commandments of the Religion of the Wheel were burned with the acid of indigestion into the very fabric of my essence.

From that day forth, I have known only contentment and joy. I stand here before you a saved soul. Please, listen to the Wheel, it completes the sacred circle. It gives you more strength and stamina than a whole bottle of Viagra. I can do no more than lead you to this sacred water, it us up to you to drink.

Maybe one day we will meet on that celestial plane. Perhaps we will jump-rope together?

Death Pestilence

Webmaster of Death Pestilence

Author of Roland

I was just a mere delivery boy. My job was to travel from village to village. My life was changed one day, the day my life was changed by fomay and the religion of wheel. This is my story.

I wiped the last ounce of sweat from my forehead. The sweltering sun seemed to loom just out of arms reach punishing my body. The desert was an unforgiving endless sea of brown sand and dirt. My horse was just about to give in I couldn’t blame her she hadn’t had a sip of water in days perhaps we were lost. I checked my map to see where this so called village was. I was to bring them news and supplies from Egypt for they had been scourged by a horrible drought but this village seemed to have left the desert plain. Suddenly my horse stopped in its tracks paralyzed by some unknown fear. “What is it girl?” I asked terrified for nothing this side of Africa has ever instilled such an icy fear into my horse’s blood. I looked onward gazing into the horizon. I could see nothing. I tried to reassure her “there’s nothing there old girl”. But she stood frozen. Suddenly she screamed a scream that would make any man fear for his very life. She leaped up on her two feet and bolted towards the south knocking me off her into the hot sand. I was soon lost in a panic know I was alone up against something so fierce it was able to drive my beloved horse to abandon me to save herself. I tried to stand but as I did a wind from the north pinned me down. I could feel the ground began to shake I could hear screams. “Oh what foul demon is this!?” I screamed. Suddenly from under the sand came what I can not describe to you in words. Its hideous face was covered in blood its teeth dripping of human flesh its reptilian skin oozed and coiled around the hideous beast. Its size overwhelmed the great pyramids I had seen back home. “WHY DO YOU COME HERE??” The beast asked of me. “I bring supplies to Joshand a village in great need of supplies” I answered the demon. Suddenly the demon began to chuckle “I destroyed Joshand and all of who lived there, their actions displeased me so I smote them and now I find you trying to aid these heathens why do you aid these bastards?” I was overwhelmed with panic I couldn’t begin to speak all I could do was stare into the black eyes of this heartless demon. “Why do you not answer? YOU WILL SHARE JOSHAND’S FATE” The demon opened his mouth and regurgitated fire that burned the poor souls of Joshand. I was surrounded in flames running round my body to burn me I thought I was dead but then I heard a voice. “BEGONE YOU WRETCHED BEAST.” I couldn’t see what was happening a bright light was piercing my eyes blinding me from what was happening. Suddenly there was silence. I opened my eyes and there was nothing. I examined my once burning body and to my surprise I was as I had been. From above I could hear a choir of the most heavenly voices singing praise to Foam. I looked up towards the sun. I saw the blackened outline of a glorious Mug. “Do not fear you are in no danger” said the soothing figure before me. “Thank you my grace, but I must know who are you” I asked. The being chuckled a bit to himself “I am the arch-angel Foamy.” I kneeled before my savior “praise to you arch-angel foamy”. “Your throat must be as dry as this desert here my child have one on the house” as soon as Foamy said this my hand was grasping a cold mug filled with ale. “Thank you your grace” I quickly downed the sweet ale as it trailed down my throat cooling my body and clearing my mind. “Go now my child before that demon returns take my chariot you will be home in no time, tell the people of your village what happened here and spread the religion of wheel”. I took my seat in foamy’s glorious chariot I leaned back on the leather interior and propped my feat upon the divine ottoman and helped myself to the adult literature found underneath the seat of the seat of the divine chariot quickly taking me to my new life in the religion of Wheel. My life has never been more complete. I hope one day you may find Wheel as I did.

Dr. Prometheus Strange

Webmaster of Dr. Prometheus Strange's Rants

(Commentary by The Religion of Wheel:) As you can see The Religion of Wheel doesn't edit the testimonials that are sent in to us. It is also the belief of The Religion of Wheel that Dr. Prometheus was having a bad trip when he wrote this. As is stated under the Angels section of the website, Foamy only gets drunk nowadays. The Religion of Wheel also does not believe in demons. Again, we are pretty sure that Prometheus strange was having a bad trip but as long as he believes that's all that matters.

Before I found The Religion of Wheel and accepted Beericus, Pornicus and Foamy into my heart I was an uptight asshole who thought it was fun to beat up non-Christians. I was saving my virginity for my wedding night and had never masturbated before; also my face was stricken by acne and I was plagued by constant colds and the flu. Now that I've found The Religion of Wheel I get laid once a night, and have discovered the wonders of beer. Thank you The Religion of Wheel!

Scott Dateam

Los Angeles, California

More Coming Soon:

When The Religion of Wheel says soon we really mean when you send your stories in so The Religion of Wheel can post them. Do it now!

This section is a work in progress; the webmaster updates everything when he finds the time and you lecherous bastards don't send anything in in the first place, so here's the addresses once again, SEND NOW:  wheel182@hotmail.com or Sarcastabitch@sacbeemail.com

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