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The Prophet Voldor
The boy came from a small family in the Viking village of Voldt. The area surround that Voldt consisted mostly of hills. Many of the buildings were partially in the ground, many were covered in sod. There were many natural caves, and a very complex system of caves in the hills themselves. This system of caves had often proven deadly for the poor wandering soul. Voldor He fought for the first time at the tender age of seven. He was yielding a broadsword with all the skill and might of one of his elders at the age of twelve and he fought for the second time at when he turned fourteen, but it was not till after his battle that he became the prophet we now know as Voldor of The Hill People. He was having a peaceful sleep when the earth behind him opened and a beer mug waddled into his room. He was naturally startled by the noise but could not see the mug because it was so dark in his room. He lit a candle after a few minutes and gasped once he caught site of the keg. He yelled with a trembling voice, his knees shaking, "What the Hell are you?"
The keg replied "I am the arc-angel Foamy; you're going to listen to me for I bring to you and your people a new religion, one which is sensitive to your mankind and to your womankind."
Voldor replied, "What the hell are you? You look like some sort of short, stocky amber beast,"
"I am a beer mug! I am created in the image which my creator liked the most, a mug of beer. What the Hell else do I look like? What, you haven't drunk beer before or something?"
Voldor nodded, "Only the elders may drink beer; they don't even let us see it,"
"My god!" Foamy said while his hands began to make wild gesticulations, not to mention that he gave the bird to the roof. "I see why I was sent here Voldor, before I thought my trip was in vain. I shall teach you all that you need to know. Do you know what porn is Voldor?"
Voldor shook his head saying, "What is this 'porn' you speak of?"
Foamy began to shake his head violently, the head of his beer flying everywhere. He then commenced to bang what can be called his head (even though he was a beer mug, so it was more like the upper portion of his body) against the wall. "Why did he send me down here? This is going to be too much damn work! I didn't even bring my camera... Damn and blast!" Foamy then began to throw himself against the wall in anger. After about five minutes he finally calmed down and looked at the boy, Voldor.
"What do you want me to do Foamy?" asked Voldor, his pupils as large as golf balls.
Foamy promptly replied "Nothing now my boy, for you have a long road ahead of you. I must teach you how to distil liquor and make beer. I must teach you how to develop pictures and how to get women to pose naked for you; I have a lot to teach you, and that teaching will start soon. Now go to sleep, we have a very long day ahead of us tomorrow. I'm going to be back in the morning with supplies, but tell no one of me. The time is not yet right for your ascension to prophethood."
After about fie days Foamy finally returned. Voldor had been worried; thoughts that Foamy was just some sort of hallucination ran through his head constantly. Foamy did return though, bearing cameras, a printing press, paper, ink and a mini-distillery. "I have returned boy." Said foamy, "It was hard to get all this stuff, I had to pull a lot of strings, but this will set you forward technologically more years than you can count. Now the first thing you need to do is to learn how to make beer. I brought this mini-distillery and it'll make your life much easier." Foamy took an entire week to teach Voldor how to make the beer, but Voldor came out of the experience a changed man.
A few days after Voldor was taught how to use a camera, "So, all I have to do is get hot chicks to pose for me naked?" asked Voldor, his eyes sparkling.
"Yes, that's all of you have to do. It's quite easy really, and then you make them into a magazine as I said. The men of the village will pay you for printing it, they will elevate you to the level of a priest in social status." Said Foamy, looking haggard.
Foamy taught Voldor how to use the printing press and how to develop pictures and then left in a cloud of smoke and lots of swearing. Voldor knew though that the time was ripe for Foamy's treasures to be revealed. He came into the town square and began to speak vehemently, his gesticulations violent. He spoke of the atrocities which the priests had committed, denying them beer. He then brought out a barrel with a spigot and hundreds of mugs, filling each and then giving it to the people. "See what they have been holding back?" Voldor said, "We shall take back what is ours! I was visited by a mug of what you're drinking, except it was about six or seven feet tall, and it told me what I must do. I will lead our people to happy times filled with beer and pornography!"
More of this story coming soon. Check back often for the Chronicles of The Prophet Voldor. It will be completed soon, so keep checking back for the final product.
Feel free to give me ideas, comments, or anything else you sick and demented people can come up with at:
wheel182@hotmail.com or Sarcastabitch@sacbeemail.com